Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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