HIV tests are more positive than that guy
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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