did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
