Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
