my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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