I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
