Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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