Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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