I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
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Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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