I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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