Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
