Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
