I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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