I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
