Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
