I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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