Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
