These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
