Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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