I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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