Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize