i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
