franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
