So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
