You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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