I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
