She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Randomize
