u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
