Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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