In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
