I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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