guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
