You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
