He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
