Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
