It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
