that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
