I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
