If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Come share oat with me in your robe
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
