wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
