He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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