in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
