i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
