I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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