I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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