woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
