I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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