I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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