Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
