Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
