Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
