there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Someone came in the potted fern
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
