I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
