just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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